Thursday, November 29, 2012

Plugs for Thy Gauged Ears.

So, stretched my ears a bit this week.. I usually use home-made black plugs, but this time I went for neon green.  I was hoping it might look cool next to my blue and purple hair ;]

I have no idea what the "official" name is for this style of plug, but its basically just a spiral-ish curl.  These are really great for stretching.




I'm going to start experimenting with wooden ones too.. 



Friday, November 16, 2012

My brain has so many problems. But mostly I have a Bad Heart.

Recently someone told me that if they were just meeting me, they would have to just stand there and stare at me for ten minutes before they even tried to talk to me.  They said there’s just so much to take in.. and then proceeded to list off these various elements, “your bracelets for starters.  That’s five minutes right there.  But then you’ve got your hair, which is like…blue.  And then you can’t help but notice that you have freakin plugs in your ears.. which leads to the dreads and beads and stuff, that’s distracting when you notice it.  And uhh, we won’t discuss your clothes, because that would take too long.. we’ll just assume people are too distracted by everything else to realize how weird your clothes are.. until you start talking though, cuz then they probably won’t hear anything you say because by then they’ve noticed your clothes, and  they’re trying to figure out why you’re so strange…”  That speech dragged on a lot longer when it was taking place.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, for quite a while actually.  I’ve been thinking about my brain.  And in thinking about my brain, I’ve realized my heart is bad.  As in: it went bad, like gross food or spoiled milk.  When I say my heart is bad, I’m not referring to stupid juvenile dating problems, which seems to be the automatic assumption.  

No, I’m talking about a more important relationship.  I’m talking about god stuff.. cuz it makes me uncomfortable, and that’s a good thing.  I long to glorify god, like seriously.  It’s what I’ve wanted for so long, but never learned how to do it.  And it’s stupid that I think I should have to learn how to praise god, in order to praise god.
That’s a personal issue.  A more important problem is that, with some exceptions, unless you know me reeeeeally well, you don’t know what I believe.  You don’t know how simple this is, because you don’t know that I simply long to know what the truth is so that I can believe in it.  This wish often works against me, becoming a frustration, and unfortunately I allow it to hinder me.  

What you don’t know is that regardless of this fact, and regardless of conflicting, stained, and tainted “truths”; I believe in the god who created the universe, and I believe that he loves me, regardless of the fact that I am stained, tainted, and broken into worthless pieces.  I believe that he loves me even though I have a heart that has gone bad.

I’m trying to mend my heart, and I’m trying to fix my brain. I’ve been living in my own personal Neverland, where I never have to grow up.. and now I’m trying to force myself out of my little world, out of my comfort zone.  And that starts with talking about it.  

Thankfully I’m not stupid enough to keep trying alone.  We, as humans, are too weak to make any progress alone, I have to let god in so he can change me.  And it’s not easy to just “let someone in”, people say that so often.  I don’t know about you, but I get a pretty typical picture in my head when people start talking like that- and it tends to be an irritating and overused “poor me” attitude, one I’ve tried desperately to avoid. 

People stare at me and make me feel like I’m in a zoo, or they obviously avoid making eye contact and make me feel like a medusa.  I walk through the store and don’t know where to look to keep from looking back at the people.  It feels like they look right inside of me, and that makes me feel like I’m defenseless, naked.  Which makes me want to hide more, or just hide behind my appearance in the hope people will be scared away.  Because no matter what the typical explanation is, the truth is that I don’t like it when people know who I am or what that means.  I don’t like to be vulnerable, but that’s when I feel safest.  My issues are so cyclical.  My brain has so many problems.   

Obviously, I have to "get over" my selfish little discomforts that come with living in a twisted society.  I have to "get over" me, so that god is the focus.
When I'm lost in a crowd of people, I feel so alone..but I can let go of the loneliness because I know He’s got my back.  I don’t feel alone when He’s around.  A good start I think.. 

So what I’m saying is, I’m trying to be alive.  I would dearly like to be set on fire.. so when people  look at me, they don’t just see a freak.

Because apparently, I do look like a freak.   
But inside, I look like a monster..
and yet, I know He still loves me.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Finals.. on a Monday.

 I found myself randomly standing in the middle of the room, staring blankly at the wall at the front of the class.  It was only after the professor walked halfway to me and said, “hey, uh…abbey?  You feeling ok?..”, that I realized the entire class was staring at me.. Of course, me, the one who sits in the back of the class and speaks as little as possible, was the one stuck in the middle of the room with an audience waiting for me to speak. Of course.  

I look down at my hand and wonder why I have a fistful of broken up charcoal sticks.  I wander back over to my desk, only to realize I should have been walking to my easel setup on the other side of the room.  I pretended to need something in my bag, decided it wasn’t as important as I thought it was, and walked back across the room while people pretended not to stare.  The art department’s basement is an old indoor swimming pool, so we have class right over the boarded up pool…and as you can imagine, old combat boots that are slightly too big make a lot of noise on hollow wood flooring in a building that has tile walls and ceilings that are two stories high x)  

Then I sit at my easel in my own lovely, perfect corner with all my charcoal and graphite and brushes and inks and drawing boards.  I sit there and stare at the 18x24" paper masking-taped to the board in front of me.  A perfect, beautiful, honor-show material, charcoal still life has to cover the page by Friday.  I have set up an old telephone, the kind with a dial and a coil, some yellow flowers, an empty picture frame, and a glass jar of paint brushes all sitting in folds of fabric.  I stare at the paper.  And stare. And stare. And stare. And stare…and stare. And stare. My brain possibly stops.. 

...and I stare. And stare. And stare. And stare.  Class ends. I keep staring. Stare stare stare. Stare some more.  Stare.  Glance at the clock.  Oh look, Its six o’clock.. my next class is starting. 
I grab my bag and run across campus to sit down ten minutes late to a three hour test session. 

This weekend  I was sick.  I had a very bad fever and slept all day Saturday, so I wasn’t able to write my final term paper.. which was due online Sunday at midnight.  (read: Monday afternoon sometime before class and hope the professor doesn’t check before then)
Sunday my fever was completely gone, but I had somehow managed to get strep throat.. But I was able to write my paper!  And thank God for James, he read my paper, corrected my mistakes, made lovely suggestions, and repaired my sanity.  He’s such an excellent writer.  But he’s an even better friend. 
The paper was written in first person as an ancient Mayan sacrifice.  It ends abruptly.

After the test, I locked myself in a study room in the Library’s ever popular coffee shop.  I take an online quiz that I missed a couple weeks ago, don’t remember why.. (oh yeah, I was at a birthday party)
Soon the dude in the room to the right of me started blasting crappy synth pop.  I can hear every single un-original word, every single un-original beat through the paper-thin wall.  *sigh*
Then he starts whistling along with that stupid whistle song.. but he’s not even doing it right xD

I try to block it out and continue my quiz… it’s hard, but I manage.  Until the guy in the room to my left starts blasting country music.. which is of course, crap.  The very first twangs cause me to squirm uncomfortably, and make me want to cut my ears off and throw them out the window.  It’s just as bad as the blatantly unwholesome lyrics coming from the right.

Dear Lord have mercy. 

I sit there for a moment.  Stare at my computer. Stare. Stare.  

And then I turn on Oh, Sleeper as loud as it will possibly go.
And then I smile.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Kit Fisto..

So here's my latest drawing.. this dude is so awesome :]
I drew this from the scene in the Clone Wars right after Fisto's padawan, Nahdar, dies.. This is right before Kit Fisto and General Grievous have it out.


anyways :)


I should be studying for Finals right now.

So I guess its a perfect time for a blog post. yes?

Sunday was a birthday party-ish thing for my pal Ty at Pizza Hut.  Finally got to meet some of his other friends.. MY GOSH they are freaking hilarious.  I would like to believe they are always that obnoxious. 
One of them actually brought his ukelele.  This idiot's name is Alek.. I like this guy, SO FUNNY.  He walked around Pizza Hut serenading the employees.  Alek and Zach sang an impromptu "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", and it was completely wonderful.. I wish I had been able to record it!!  I only managed to capture the very last bit.. sad face.
After being obnoxious in PizzaHut, we went to Walmart and played "the Walmart game".  Basically hide and seek tag.  It was awesome ;)

Waitress:  "Can I get you guys anything else?" 
Alek:  "COCAINE!!"
Waitress:  ".....Anything in the realm of possibility?"

Waiter:  "What do you want to drink?"
Ty:  "We'll take a 2ltr of Root Beer and a 2ltr of Pepsi"
Waiter:  "Gotcha, Root Beer and Mountain Dew."
Ty:  "Um, actually that's Root Beer and Pepsi.."
Waiter:  "Oh yeah, right. Root Beer and Pepsi. Got it.  I'll have it right out."
Waiter:  Brings Root Beer and Mountain Dew.. xD

I've gotta get back to writing pages and pages of homework on the minute details and differences in Gothic cathedral architecture and sculpture.  Stained glass and types of light..turns out there is a difference in types of light.. Different kinds of vaults and arches, structural supports.  "The cult of the Virgin Mary" and the concept of the antichrist.....  o_o  funfun.. I've got 100 bucks with your name on it.. any takers?  wink wink nudge nudge.

nah. it's good for me.. dying, however, is not.  And that's looking like a possibility this week.  I thought I had two weeks until finals.. turns out I was spacing out when that was being discussed, cuz I've only got until Sunday. 
Death from a boatload of homework and last minute term paper.. Oh dear its looking like another no-sleep-week, because...

I reallllllllly wanna go to that concert thursday x)

 So...... without further procrastination (making tea doesn't count), I shall get back to work like a good little nerd. 
...And listen to Showbread's new album, Cancer.  Because it is amazing and I completely love Showbread.  You know what?  if i survive maybe I'll write a whole post about how much I love them xD