Recently someone told me that if they were just meeting me, they would have to just stand there and stare at me for ten minutes before they even tried to talk to me. They said there’s just so much to take in.. and then proceeded to list off these various elements, “your bracelets for starters. That’s five minutes right there. But then you’ve got your hair, which is like…blue. And then you can’t help but notice that you have freakin plugs in your ears.. which leads to the dreads and beads and stuff, that’s distracting when you notice it. And uhh, we won’t discuss your clothes, because that would take too long.. we’ll just assume people are too distracted by everything else to realize how weird your clothes are.. until you start talking though, cuz then they probably won’t hear anything you say because by then they’ve noticed your clothes, and they’re trying to figure out why you’re so strange…” That speech dragged on a lot longer when it was taking place.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately, for quite a while actually. I’ve been thinking about my brain. And in thinking about my brain, I’ve realized my heart is bad. As in: it went bad, like gross food or spoiled milk. When I say my heart is bad, I’m not referring to stupid juvenile dating problems, which seems to be the automatic assumption.
No, I’m talking about a more important relationship. I’m talking about god stuff.. cuz it makes me uncomfortable, and that’s a good thing. I long to glorify god, like seriously. It’s what I’ve wanted for so long, but never learned how to do it. And it’s stupid that I think I should have to learn how to praise god, in order to praise god.
That’s a personal issue. A more important problem is that, with some exceptions, unless you know me reeeeeally well, you don’t know what I believe. You don’t know how simple this is, because you don’t know that I simply long to know what the truth is so that I can believe in it. This wish often works against me, becoming a frustration, and unfortunately I allow it to hinder me.
What you don’t know is that regardless of this fact, and regardless of conflicting, stained, and tainted “truths”; I believe in the god who created the universe, and I believe that he loves me, regardless of the fact that I am stained, tainted, and broken into worthless pieces. I believe that he loves me even though I have a heart that has gone bad.
I’m trying to mend my heart, and I’m trying to fix my brain. I’ve been living in my own personal Neverland, where I never have to grow up.. and now I’m trying to force myself out of my little world, out of my comfort zone. And that starts with talking about it.
Thankfully I’m not stupid enough to keep trying alone. We, as humans, are too weak to make any progress alone, I have to let god in so he can change me. And it’s not easy to just “let someone in”, people say that so often. I don’t know about you, but I get a pretty typical picture in my head when people start talking like that- and it tends to be an irritating and overused “poor me” attitude, one I’ve tried desperately to avoid.
People stare at me and make me feel like I’m in a zoo, or they obviously avoid making eye contact and make me feel like a medusa. I walk through the store and don’t know where to look to keep from looking back at the people. It feels like they look right inside of me, and that makes me feel like I’m defenseless, naked. Which makes me want to hide more, or just hide behind my appearance in the hope people will be scared away. Because no matter what the typical explanation is, the truth is that I don’t like it when people know who I am or what that means. I don’t like to be vulnerable, but that’s when I feel safest. My issues are so cyclical. My brain has so many problems.
Obviously, I have to "get over" my selfish little discomforts that come with living in a twisted society. I have to "get over" me, so that god is the focus.
When I'm lost in a crowd of people, I feel so alone..but I can let go of the loneliness because I know He’s got my back. I don’t feel alone when He’s around. A good start I think..
So what I’m saying is, I’m trying to be alive. I would dearly like to be set on fire.. so when people look at me, they don’t just see a freak.
Because apparently, I do look like a freak.
But inside, I look like a monster..
and yet, I know He still loves me.